By Jupiter's Cock.....

There I was one evening lounging on my Italian leather sofa, with my slightly stanky feet elevated, watching some previews before a movie so forgettable that I can’t seem to recall the title, when I saw it, the preview for the new original series on Starz: Spartacus: Blood and Sand.

Ahh, be still my racing heart. Swords, combat, and sex rolled up into a bloody and carnal whiskey filled cupcake ( shout out to Whiskey & Cupcakes) frosted with obscenities so delectable I find myself adding to my already overflowing verbal repertoire. While many reviews have blasted this series, I give it a somewhat campy, delightfully sinful, thumb and a half up. Is the writing cheesy at times? Sure. Is the plot line predictable? Absolutely. Is the whole gallon after gallon of blood spurting all over the place including onto the screen a little bit excessive? You bet. Are the special effects merely ok (300 with a smaller budget)? Uh huh.

That said, let’s look at the pros:

-Flesh, and a lot of it. Ladies (and guys that as my mother says: juegan por el otro equipo), since the focus of this series is gladiators, there is considerably more man flesh than juggies and muff, including full frontal nudity which at times seems gratuitous as the story line does not require it.
-Savage and sometimes maniacal (in the pits, think Silence of the Lambs crossed with Bloodsport)sanguinary combat. The battle scenes are not the best I have ever seen, but good enough. The blood is superfluous (that means way more than needed and most likely way more than the human body actually contains) and seems to have been just dying ( pun intended) to escape its flesh cage.

-The profanity, ah yes the wonderful profanity! Now, anybody can curse, but sometimes you come across an individual that is skilled in what I like to call cockfuckery ( yes, of course I just made that up), and Batiatus ( played by John Hannah) is such a man. Sure, he started out with a simple “may the gods shrivel your cock”, but then he took it a bit further with “ The gods spread the cheeks only to ram cock into ass”, and pretty soon he was throwing cock around like beads at Mardi Gras. And not just any cock mind you, but Jupiter’s cock. Jupiter, for those of you that do not know, was the roman equivalent of Zeus, and no, he is not named after the planet but rather the other way around. But I digress ( as usual).

I Bud Newcastle love to find a new term and then use it like a krapper in Mexico whilst Montezuma exacts his vengeance. By Jupiter’s cock that’s disgusting! See what I mean? The term is so very versatile, lets see how we can use it.

By Jupiter’s cock that monkey is choking his nana!

By Jupiter’s cock is where you will find Jupiter’s bollocks!

I once was lost but by Jupiter’s cock I am now found!

I am so parched, I could really use a Jupiter’s cocktail!

By the tip of Jupiter’s cock I shall smite thee on the morrow and skull fuck you with a parking meter whilst violating you with before mentioned cock of the Jupiter variety!

Whoa!!
I got a little carried away there. Apologies all around. I think my point is made though. Jupiter’s cock is here to stay. Don’t believe me? Check facebook, there are already various pages devoted to Jupiter’s almighty cock. Urban Dictionary defines it as : a drinking game played while watching the Starz TV Series, "Spartacus: Blood and Sand". Each time the word "cock" is spoken, everybody must drink a shot. As a kicker, when the words, "Jupiter's Cock", is spoken, everybody must do a double shot.

People of the world, order Spartacus on Netflix, get yourself some booze ( I prefer rum) and invite your friends and neighbors over for some wickedly sinful fun, Roman style!

Hugs and kisses,
-Bud

Sucktastic

There I was today, driving home from work and chatting away on the phone, when it occurred to me, that i was engaging in just the sort of activity that the driving safety course i am currently attending due to a minor ( at least i believe so ) moving violation advises against. I promptly ended my call and as i was trying to get the phone back into my backpack while maneuvering through a rather ornery curve, it occurred to me how ironic it would be if i happened to have an accident as i was trying to put my phone away. Of course the next thing that popped into my head was Alanis Morrisette. I know, I know, many have mentioned this before, but I haven’t, so here goes.

Dear Ms. Morrisette ( or is it Mrs? I really don’t care),

Why have you gone and used the word ironic incorrectly in such a catchy song? All those events you mention are surely unfortunate but ironic? I think not. It would be ironic if i wrapped my jeep around a juniper tree due to the fact that I was putting my phone away so that I would not in fact hurt myself, my jeep, or said juniper tree by engaging in such a reckless activity as driving and chatting. Having a bunch of spoons when you need a knife? UNFORTUNATE. Not ironic.

So in answer to your question Alanis, no i don’t think, at least I don’t think your command of the english language is on par with say a fifth graders’.

But enough of my bitching, lets solve the problem. Now I understand that the word unfortunate has four syllables and therefore does not easily replace Ironic, which is unfortunate ( see how I used that Alanis?), and crappy has only two syllables which would kind of cut the line short and cause your audience to feel that they somehow had been short changed out of a syllable, so we need another word with three syllables. I have thought long and hard ( not really, maybe more like ten seconds) and I have come up with the perfect word: Sucktastic. This word is clearly born from the combination of suck and fantastic. Now, some might thing that this combination is contradictory, but if you look up fantastic, you will find that the word is also defined as an intensifier, hence, in essence, if sucktastic were a real word, it would mean sucks a lot ( and i don’t mean like toothless corner whore). Apply that to the events in your song and you will find that it fits nicely. No thanks needed, I like to do my part. In fact Alanis, thank you. Thank you for making this nation dumber as a whole. Maybe you could pen a new song titled: sarcasm (except now you can’t cause it was my idea and I would sue you).

Yours truly,

Bud