Sucktastic

There I was today, driving home from work and chatting away on the phone, when it occurred to me, that i was engaging in just the sort of activity that the driving safety course i am currently attending due to a minor ( at least i believe so ) moving violation advises against. I promptly ended my call and as i was trying to get the phone back into my backpack while maneuvering through a rather ornery curve, it occurred to me how ironic it would be if i happened to have an accident as i was trying to put my phone away. Of course the next thing that popped into my head was Alanis Morrisette. I know, I know, many have mentioned this before, but I haven’t, so here goes.

Dear Ms. Morrisette ( or is it Mrs? I really don’t care),

Why have you gone and used the word ironic incorrectly in such a catchy song? All those events you mention are surely unfortunate but ironic? I think not. It would be ironic if i wrapped my jeep around a juniper tree due to the fact that I was putting my phone away so that I would not in fact hurt myself, my jeep, or said juniper tree by engaging in such a reckless activity as driving and chatting. Having a bunch of spoons when you need a knife? UNFORTUNATE. Not ironic.

So in answer to your question Alanis, no i don’t think, at least I don’t think your command of the english language is on par with say a fifth graders’.

But enough of my bitching, lets solve the problem. Now I understand that the word unfortunate has four syllables and therefore does not easily replace Ironic, which is unfortunate ( see how I used that Alanis?), and crappy has only two syllables which would kind of cut the line short and cause your audience to feel that they somehow had been short changed out of a syllable, so we need another word with three syllables. I have thought long and hard ( not really, maybe more like ten seconds) and I have come up with the perfect word: Sucktastic. This word is clearly born from the combination of suck and fantastic. Now, some might thing that this combination is contradictory, but if you look up fantastic, you will find that the word is also defined as an intensifier, hence, in essence, if sucktastic were a real word, it would mean sucks a lot ( and i don’t mean like toothless corner whore). Apply that to the events in your song and you will find that it fits nicely. No thanks needed, I like to do my part. In fact Alanis, thank you. Thank you for making this nation dumber as a whole. Maybe you could pen a new song titled: sarcasm (except now you can’t cause it was my idea and I would sue you).

Yours truly,

Bud